-- 26 --
Dear
Celine Dion,
I'd
like to extend a warm "thank you" for creating Celine Dion's Christian
Village For Crippled Coons in beautiful downtown Skankoughtawash,
Québec. My pasty ex-wife and I recently traveled there
in our luxury automobile from Wheaton, Illinois, U.S.A., and met with
young Master Benjamin Franklin Bushboy, Esquire. We were both pleased
and entertained by Benjamin's thrilling tale of how his once powerful
legs and feet came to be the knobby scab-noodles they are today.
We
were pleased to accept Benjamin's generous invitation to throw nerf
footballs at his stumps and draw cartoon animals upon the calloused
yellow leather with finger paints while Benjamin cried "Send me in,
coach! Send me in, coach!"
We
applaud your creative vision with regard to our three favorite roller
coaster-type attractions. In no particular order, these were (1) I'm
Cuckoo For Gauze!, (2) I Fall Down Stairs A Lot Because I Have
No Legs, and (3) Ouch! These Crutches Have Hardened My Armpits
Into Plastic Baseball Mitts, For Christ's Sake!
Three
loud cheers for the charming gift shop as well. My ex-wife bought
a Stevie Wonder Pin-The-Tail-On-The-Honky game; I purchased
a golden stump sock on a wooden plaque (which I intend to hang proudly
beside the inspirational seascape in my office at the insurance corporation)
and a novelty baseball bat cleverly designed to resemble a freshly
cauterized stump.
Bravo and best wishes for a prosperous
New Year!
Your
friend in Christ,
Fishbib
Jerusalem
(Two
weeks later...)
Dear
Fishbib Jerusalem,
Hello,
Fishbib. This is the mysterious individual who reads Celine Dion's
mail. Please find the two complimentary tickets for Celine's Vegas
extravaganza and a voucher for a complimentary 64-ounce fountain drink
which I have sent with this letter. Celine and her loving husband/manager,
René, send their best wishes.
Please
mail a charcoal rubbing of the contours of your foreskin as soon as
possible for a special wonderful surprise.
Your
maple-syrup-filled friend in Christ,
The
mysterious individual who reads Celine Dion's mail
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