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The thirty-year old independent record store clerk had just quit his job and was weeping within the confessional of the Catholic church. This is what I overheard him whispering to the priest as I waited my turn, smacking my thigh lightly with a rolled bulletin: "…It's easier for me to be… like… quick and clever than patient and sincere… you know? Do you mind if I smoke? Thanks. You're goddamn right it helps. Yeah, Camels. Sure, you can have one, I guess. "So, like I was saying, I thought for a long time it would all be just like a… like a Woody Allen film, you know? My girlfriend thought it would be like When Sally Met Harry all the time. But Woody Allen is… you know… practical. What we wear, and where we go and what we buy… it's a kind of, like, program… more, like, out of a… out of some need to be seen as fashionably… clever. You following me? It's like… maybe it's a nervous impulse to be in the middle… or at the center of clever conversation… and not… alone. Or something. Yeah. All I know is it's clear to me now that… that we've fooled ourselves into believing that we are daring to be… I don't know… original? "You're out of your mind. Van Halen II was their last great album. The moment Eddie started playing those faggy keyboards was when it all went to shit. What?! You're high. 1984 is a shit album. Am I not making myself clear? Hold up, man. Hold up. I'm telling you that album's shit. The only good thing about that album is the video for 'Hot For Teacher.' The chick they got to play the teacher was a total fox. End of story. I think I should know. "So, let me ask you something, smart guy. If Jesus was alive today, would he be a Mac guy or a Windows guy? C'mon… like hell he is, man. Everyone knows he died on the cross. Don't give me that eternal life business. C'mon, man… you don't really believe that, do you? For real? C'mon, man, for real? "The acoustics in this little room of yours is awesome, man. You and your band should totally record in here. Definitely. Definitely. Rhythm guitar, huh? That so? That's cool. No, I'm a bass man. Okay, I suppose. I do okay. "Check it out. I totally forgot I had these plastic Dracula teeth in my jeans. Check me out, man. I'm that dude in the Lost Boys. I'm like Thurston Moore, the vampire. M-m-m-wah! M-m-m-wah! I vant to suck you, man. "So, here's something: you know, how come Michael Jackson's always getting all the heat about looking white when he used to be a good looking black dude, but people don't say shit about Prince? "The point? Well, I guess I was getting to that. See, I kind of need to confess that… you better not tell anyone this or I swear I'll come back to the box and strangle your ass with the collar. Okay? Cool. Okay, so you know that song 'Broken Wings' by Mr. Mister? Shut up! Yeah, as a matter of fact I do. It's a good song. May I continue? Are you finished? Okay. Shut up. Look. I figure I own somewhere in the neighborhood of, like, say, five-thousand pieces of vinyl,... maybe eight-thousand CDs,… around two terabytes of MP3s. But the gem in my musical… shut up! Listen! The gem in my, like,… in my musical crown is my signed, baby-blue limited edition 12-inch extended remix of 'Broken Wings'… Dude, you're an ass. You're such an ass. Do you realize what an ass you are? Why?! Because, man! You're not supposed to laugh, for fuck's sake! Fuck ME?! Fuck YOU! And fuck your bullshit Jesus booth, bitch!" At
this point, the thirty-year old former independent record store clerk
became aware in a flash of horror that he was nothing more than a
one-dimensional character within an absurd story which was going nowhere
fast. Through the infinitely mysterious power of the written word--
and the mercy of his creator-- he was instantaneously transformed
into a warm McDonald's salad and subsequently-- though accidentally--
knocked from the countertop by the girl working the register, scattering
upon the floor as it struck. A hungry, two-hundred and fifty pound
single mother of three ungrateful bastards left in a huff and vowed
never to return to that particular location ever again. Two weeks
later, that same woman underwent an emergency liposuction procedure
on her clammy tits.
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