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The group of first-graders had come to the end of the factory tour. "This concludes our tour," said their guide, "But I'm sure some of you probably have some questions. Now's the time to ask them." "Yeah, I've got a question," said a fat boy in brown gym shorts toward the back. "When the goats come down the silver chute on the left, why do they come down butt first? And why do they have to drink beer?" "Ah, yes. Very perceptive of you," answered the guide. "Yes, well, first of all, the goats, as you may recall, are all born alcoholics, and as you all know, an alcoholic goat without beer becomes anxious and agitated. We do this to sooth the goats' nerves. As we say in the boardroom, a goat without beer is a horse's ass. Now, the reason they come down the chute butt first is because government regulations require that all goat asses remain pointed due south in the event of a solar eclipse. Thank you. Next question. Ah, yes. You in the Ultraman costume." "Hi. How ya' doin'. Yeah, I was wondering something. Yeah, well, my Grandmother was Ukranian. I noticed that the Ukranian folk dancers in dock 'C' were not dressed in authentic outfits. Why is this?" "Ah, yes, well, this is a matter of simple economics, really. You see, only union employees are entitled to authentic attire. These employees, who are Georgian exiles, actually, are non-union, which reduces our operational costs by nearly four percent." A unison of vocal awe came from the tiny mouths of the children. "Exactly," continued the guide. "So, as you can imagine, this cost-versus-authenticity trade-off is a no-brainer. Thank you for asking. You have a question? Yes, you, the one with the head that looks exactly like Whoopi Goldberg's muff." "Oh, hello. Sorry. Thank you for taking my question. I was curious why you pay your employees with sandwich meat. Thanks." "Thank you. First of all, select-- not all-- SELECT employees are paid in coldcuts, not sandwich meat. There's a difference. And second, those employees who select this option do so voluntarily. Furthermore, all coldcuts which they receive are withdrawn from a communal trust. This option is an invaluable service for those who choose it. Why, you wouldn't deny a cripple his leg braces, would you?" "Gosh, no. I guess not," said the kid. "Exactly!" said the guide. "So, as you can see, although, to you, this service may seem absurd, to those employees who rely on it, our service is invaluable. "Alright, one final question, and then I really must insist we proceed to the group shower. Anyone? No? Okay,… ah, yes, you with the swollen man-hands. You have a question?" "Hi. Yes, I do. I was wondering if you might elaborate more upon Chief Executive Officer, Florian Bendover." "Thank you. Certainly. I'd be happy to. Well, as was already explained during the multimedia exposé, Mr. Florian Bendover is the son of venture capitalist Grover Bendover, author of the New York Times bestseller Why Women Who Behave Like Assholes Deserve To Be Called Assholes. What you may not know is that Florian Bendover is the inventor and patent holder of many of the things you take for granted. For example, you know that device in the subway cars which gauges the young ladies' physical beauty at regular intervals and automatically displays the digital tally of who 'the hottest bitch' is?" "Uh huh," said the kids. "Florian Bendover invented that," said the tour guide. "And you know how everywhere you go you hear the backing music of Bette Midler songs from the late 20th century?" "Uh huh," said the kids. "Well, Florian Bendover invented the tiny device which was grafted onto your skulls at birth, allowing you to hear that music around the clock, whether you want to or not, under penalty of death." "Wow!" said the kids. "Wow is right," said their guide. "And here's another thing I'll bet you never knew: Mr. Bendover is the inventor of the original Liquid Puppy and Puppy-In-A-Tube." "Wow!" said the kids. "Indeed," said the guide. "It's very difficult to imagine a world without either of those, isn't it? Especially Liquid Puppy. I tell you what, kids, life on this good earth would be unfathomably shitty without your Liquid Puppy."
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